Dog Days of July.

It's hot. 

I mean HOT. Not "I'm a STAR," hot.... just HOT. 

I didn't do much yesterday. I sat here and let my footman bring me cool drink after cool drink. I did not have the energy to bark at the neighbor's dogs and I don't like pomeranians. 

I could not lift a paw to wave at the horses as my driver wisked me around the block in the limo (with AC) to see the stables down the block.

"Pierre? Bring me a cold rag and soak my paws in water. And while your at it will you please turn up the AC in the house. Set it at FREEEEEEZING."

More later...

The Worlds Largest Circus Under the Big Top: Cole Brothers!

The Worlds Largest Circus Under the Big Top
                           COLE BROS.
               CIRCUS OF THE STARS and of course, me, LILI!!!!!

And away we gooooooo!

Welcome, welcome one and all! 

At first I was being a snob and did not want to attend the Circus. I was dragged there by some friends. After I made my way through the animal activists who were picketing armed with signs, it was a jolly, paw clapping extravaganza!

They had real tigers and ponies and elephants and even a few dogs who did tricks. I was thinking ... what silly dogs, jumping through hoops...You won't catch this gal jumping through hoops for anyone. 

I like to give the commands!

They had tight rope walking, a human cannon, and an illusionist!
It was really entertaining! I clapped, I barked, and I even growled when the man next to me stepped on my tail.

Then it happened. I almost coughed up a fur ball.... A very glitzy show off type. Unlike myself, she was not humble, prancing around the big top.

There was Lana, she was a beautiful woman with a long, luxurious, blonde pony tail. All I could think of through her stunning performance was...that must be a wig! 

I have to admit...I was a bit jealous of her. I had the same feeling when my BFF Derek has a better squeaky toy than me. So, I have to admit, I did not applaud when she did her act. Anyway, I think I have less wrinkles than her and my hair is just as nice! I am thinner and prettier. I am sure of that! Meow! Forgive me. I am behaving like a cat!  Maybe I can get a pony tail.

The tigers and the elephants all did tricks  ... Everyone gasped with oohs and aahs...I shouted out, "Showoffs!"  

I can stand on my legs too and no one applauds.

Eek...the CLOWNS were scary!!!!  They are still creeping in my dreams at night!
Go see the circus in Southampton or elsewhere. Here is their schedule: Cole Brothers' Schedule. 

You will Love it!

I ate ice cones, cotton candy, bought a balloon and had a pony ride!

Just a warning...take a bubble bath when you get home to wash the circus away! You don't want to get Fleas!

All and all, I had a good time. When I attend an event, I really get into it and get involved. Here are some snapshots of me!
Remember..at times the world is a circus, so you will feel right at home. I Did!

I hate balloon animals.

Boom goes the cannon.

What's that smell? It's not me.

OUT OF MY WAY.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I think this is Martin Short... sure looks like him.

My new friends, Maria, Christina and George owners of the Moriches Bay Diner!

Rope Burn.

I love the horses!

RHONJ Review

RHONJ Review

Theresa's the Queen but Dramatic Melissa is Plain Old Mean.

What can I say about last Sunday's show? Well, my favorite has always been Theresa. I love the way she always talks about Joe and how she pronounces his name. JOE, JOE,  JOE! I love how she bumbles her words like ingrediences. I mean she is a best selling author and that's how she speaks? Well, I find it charming. When I use my words, they are always perfect. For example, I will say "BARK BARK, GRRRR."

I don't Say "BARKERAA" or "GRRRRSSSSS." But then, I am not from New Jersey. 

Let's talk about Sunday! The Giudice Family, the Gorga's, the Wakile's, and good old Fist slamming Rosie went on a fuel boozed retreat, equipped with an open bar, to heal the rift within the family. Joe and Theresa drove alone waiting for the rest of the bunch to arrive at the castle.

The ooh 's and ahhh's over the castle were hilarious. What is wrong with these people? They have never seen furniture? They live in mansions with flashy Decor. Oh, but Melissa and Joey 's mansion was crumbling as the real estate agent took the tour. Shh....they ignore that part.

When they all arrived, things were tense. Drama was center stage. Being a Theresa sympathizer, I must say her heart was in the right place but her composure was running rampant. Little miss stripper, oops I mean Melissa, was filled with poison, not her Joey's just plain miserable hostility. The Wakile's were okay other than Rich. He is a real stinker! Pee You! Always stirring the pot and I don't mean the tomato sauce. Two words: Instigator and trouble maker.

The lunch was tense. The retreat guru team were arriving soon. Juicy Joe talks about his flatuance and proceeds to let one go at the table. That gets a good laugh. Frankly, I find it quite offensive and they say my species do not have manners.
They start drinking booze and they drink some more. Finally, the therapists arrive. They cannot  handle this crowd. They look like a nice couple from Mayberry USA. They look like they don't even know how to spell Vodka. They play games for trust.

Yay! I love games! Pin the tail on the Poodle and Paws Down! I had to contain my excitement, but to my dismay they played trust games. So  I settled  in my chair with a bowl of treats. I was shouting at the TV. "Theresa, don't trust them! They were talking about you in the big Partridge Family bus they drove to the castle! Don't catch them Theresa, let them all crumble around your empire you are building. You are the Don Corleone to Melissa's Henry Hill.
Look at me Theresa, can you hear me?" I continued to shout but Theresa was catching them. Stupid move !

Fast forward, Melissa on her knees again, but to Theresa. Melissa begging Theresa to please stop hurting her family. Melissa bowed to Theresa and kissing her ring, calling her the queen. I thought, there you go Melissa, you finally got something correct! I was on the edge of my seat, hushing my growls, hoping this bad imitation of a music video would end. I felt like I was there! I almost choked on a treat, as I coughed it out, it flew out of my mouth, hitting the screen right at Melissa.  Stop the grand standing Melissa! You are not on VHI. You are on Bravo.

Melissa shouted GORGA GORGA to Theresa.

Theresa started screaming down at Melissa. They were like two cat's in a fight! Cats always fight dirty! Then the straw that broke the cat's back arrived.

Joey, Theresa's brother in an odd way wished she was not his sister boyfriend jumps in and sputters a word, I, Lili am not allowed to use, but you all know what it is anyway. 

Theresa broken, runs out to the balcony where JOE ...JOE ... is boozing it with tough gal Rosie. She tells him in her most dramatic way what happened. JOE...JOE... as Theresa refers to him runs to defend her honor. He demands an apology as Little Joey Poison charges him and they all are embroiled in the brawl. They were all on top of each other, but not quite the same as the trust game. Then in Bravo fashion, they say stay tuned. Well I started to BARK! How dare they make me, Lili wait! 

Unlimited Booze + Trust Games = Trouble!

What will happen next week, I don't have a crystal ball. The only thing I do have is a large pot of meatballs cooking on the stove. 

The rage, the jealousy, the back stabbing makes great television! Let the sausage and meatballs fly! Keep fighting and yelling! It is great entertainment! It will make the spaghetti curl into fusilli! 

Theresa ...you are the Queen and they are your subjects, but we both know who truly RULES... and that is ME, just me, LILI !

It's Pawcific Rim

Pacific Rim gave me a monster headache last night. Those monsters were scary and their bark and their bite were equally creepy! 

There was a bull dog in the movie...a BULL DOG! I could not help myself. When I saw him, I am embarrassed to say, I growled! 

They should have asked me to make a cameo..I already drafted a letter to the casting agent!

It must have been something I ate.

Here's my head shot for monster movies.

A Hampton Grill Forking Grand Time

Over the past weekend I attended two spectacular events. Yes, I, Lili, Wonder Woman feasted on the best food the Hamptons and New York has to offer.

The first night was GrillHampton, a tasty selection of grilled goodies. There was a contest to see what was best. For my taste buds it was Hill Country Barbecue Market. I think I wolfed down a few plates of grilled steak from them before I was told to move along.

Hill Country Barbecue Market was EXCELLENT!

I ate, I danced, I ate some more. I mingled with all the Hamptonites.

I'm ready to EAT!

Hey Bob Edelman. I'll be Dan's Papers' Cover Girl.

At Grill Hampton I dined on 40 cupcakes from Hampton Cupcake Lounge. Delish!

HEY, Who is this guy in white. I should get a hat like that and publish my own paper.

This was my favorite place for Taste of the Two Forks.

Lauren Lombardi is almost as pretty as me. Will she lend me those earrings?

Oh, my... is this Vodka?

I kicked up my heels and danced the night away.

All in all it was a great night. I had a Taste of the Two Forks even if it I don't always use one to chow down!

I even got a goodie gift bag on my way out! Wow! Dan's Papers really knows how to throw a party. I tried to start a conga line but I had a hard time reaching for the other guests' waists. They all towered over me, even if I was the biggest attraction there! 

So, needless to say, I didn't conga, but I grooved to the beat of the DeeJay!

I arrived early, VIP of course, and I closed the party down. I not only had a Taste of the Two Forks, I ate enough food to feed the whole island.

You are the King of the Hamptons, Dan. I am in awe of you. May I be crowned the Queen? I tell myself... in time Lili... in time.

An Evening at BarkHampton... opps I mean ArtHampton.

I, Lili, was whisked off to ArtHampton for the big opening on Thursday evening by my driver, Al. It was, on all accounts, a wonderful event filled with Hampton Wanna-bees and So-So Social Climbers all clamoring to be seen. 

I seriously doubt most of the flock was even looking at any artwork. They were too busy looking at me... Yes, I, your humble reporter was the center of universe... at least that's the way I saw it.

Here are the photos my personal assistant snapped of me at ArtHampton with my comments.

Lots of trendoids and wanna-bees!

Let's go for a swim.

Hands off "The Lili."

I think this guy is famous for painting animals... I think so... or maybe not... at least he smiled at me.

I look better than these drips.

It's been said we look-a-like

I hate cats.

I have no idea what I'm looking at but I like it. 

Could that be Phil Spector? I thought he was in jail. Maybe it's Mick J.

My time is coming.

I only like my monkeys in GREEN.

Surf's up!

I tried to talk to this woman but she looked at me like I was crazy. Snob!

All for ME!

The best thing I saw at the art show was not a painting under the tent...it was God's gift to ME ...I am sure, for just Lili...of course ! I am God's gift to all of you. I stepped outside...and there it was...on his vast canvas...a beautiful sunset!

I am exhausted. I can't think about any more art today. I will think about it tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. A handsome man asked me that night, "Don't you just love all this art?"

ME, in love with art? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!

Emergency Blog Update: The Bachelorette

                        

        There Goes The Rose, Now Stop Crying, and Blow Your Nose

Watching The Bachelorette... Zach cried and threw the promise ring out the window! Darn, I wish I was in LA to catch it!

What is up with these guys? They are all crying over Melodrama Mama, Des.

For goodness sakes, why couldn't Chris call me to pick up some of her toss-outs!
I look great in a bikini too!

There is one problem. I just love Brooks, even though his family is a tad over zealous. If he married me, I would gladly put a box of Kleenex by the nightstand.

He is always teary eyed and crying ...Ugh... Note to self: Rethink Brooks. He is one can short of a six pack of Diet Pepsi.

They all looked so nervous tonight at the rose ceremony. I am surprised they didn't get their feet wet, there were so many tears flowing, they needed a mop.

I can go on and on but I will stop. The Bachelorette is my guilty pleasure.

Did you get a load of the brother? One word, NUTSY!

Tonight was a real stress filled 2hours . I was so nervous that I almost swallowed the squeaker in my toy during the rose give away.

Advice to Zach.... Back up the car... grab that gold ring... stop crying and blow your cute little nose... stop being over dramatic. We both know you were not in love with Des, but in love with being on TV! 

All of you are as self absorbed as I am!

Like Gloria Gaynor sang: I Will Survive... And so will you Zach... so will you!