Elysium! Oh, Matt Damon, what are you thinking??!??

Elysium! Oh, Matt Damon, what are you thinking??!??

I don't think Matt used any deodorant today.

Hi, it's the Lili-icious Lili! Last night Derek and I went to see the new Matt Damon movie, Elysium.

Ugggghhhh... Matt, Matt, Matt. Where do I start? This movie was set in 2154.
There are two classes of people. The pristine, like me, Lili, of course, who live on a man-made space station. The other half, the have-nots, live on the ruined, dirty, disgusting, neglected, Earth. I guess they didn't have vacuum cleaners in 2154... at least in Los Angeles.

The Earth-bound wanted equality and Matt Damon was out to get it.

Frankly, I was lost. It was a silly movie and I, Lili, was bored, despite the action scenes. Jodie Foster was a real D-O-G! She was nasty in this film, barking out her lines like a snarling Doberman. Where did they did they dig her up? Someone threw her a bone. I have not seen her in a movie in ages... but I digress.

Derek and I were chatting as the film droned on. We do that during bad movies and this grizzly man who was sitting to the right got up, stood in front of us and SSSSSH'd us!

The audacity! Did he know who I was? I am Lili! I do NOT get shhhh"d.

Well, the audience was livid. They witnessed his faux paw. In the middle of the movie, in unison, they shouted out, you don't Shh Lili!

I gave them a wave of my paw and the man apologized. We continued to watch this so called movie.

All in all, the only thing I can say about this movie is skip it! If Matt keeps making these clinkers, his next gig will be on Dancing With The Stars. Enough said!
Trust me, I did film a few action scenes with Matt for this movie because they begged me, but when I saw the final cut, I kindly asked them to remove my scenes. I cannot tarnish my image with this clunker!

I did not approve of this scene... and so had it cut.

Matt, darling, I love you and your movies. I am sure you will redeem yourself in your next film but this one needs to be Lost In Space!

I did love my outfit for this cut scene. Maybe it will make it onto the Blu-Ray edition later this year. Catch it at Walmart in the discount bin.

Trust me folks, I have more faith in mankind than this!

Skip it!
Note to Matt Damon: take a bubble bath. Soap doesn't cost that much, even in the future.

Reporting from Lili-Land.
Have a Lili pristine day!

Authors Night 2013 in Easthampton, NY

Authors Night 2013 in Easthampton, NY

I bought lots of books to help out a good cause!

Hi, it's me! Lili!

I am so excited! I, Lili, have yet to write a book. However, I do have it on my bucket list, right after my Academy Award win. Watch out Gwyneth.

My BFF Derek always reminds me of my multifaceted talents. I know, I am Lili-icious. I love to hear about Me, me, me! I have an ego... and it is BIG.

When I see my name in lights, my ears perk up and I give a wag of my tail! I am a true star!

I have big news. I, Lli, was the special guest of honor at Authors Night in East Hampton. It was a charity event for the library and they raised $300,000! Bravo, Barbara Goldsmith, co-chair of the event. What a wonderful and gracious lady.

Barbara Goldsmith is a true gem. Lisa Tamburini photo credit.

I am sure most of the people showed up to see the authors but I am certain many came to see me, Lili.

The pooperazzi were having a field day with me. They asked me what I thought about Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful in the world. My answer, "Let me correct you, Gwyneth Paltrow is very beautiful, but I, Lili Liliyan Martie Martine Bruno, am equally beautiful! 

Then it happened, my green crept in. It fell out of my mouth, like a toy duck when I lose interest. I blurted it out without warning.

Forgive me Gwyneth, I am just a tad more beautiful! There I said it! A true faux paw. The pooperazzi pitted me against my dear friend Gwyneth. When Gwyneth arrived, she was stunning in a gorgeous white dress. I, of course, looked Lili -fabulous in my signature pink frock. 

We're both pretty... yes, we are!

She looked at me and gasped.  She said, "Lili, I made a mistake, I should have worn pink. You shine!"

I answered, "Of course I do, I am a big star!" We Hollywood air kissed on both cheeks and she begged me to sit with her to autograph books. We realized the crowd that was lining up truly wanted to meet me, too. So I gave in and embraced my public.

Gwyneth was wonderful and her kids, Apple and Moses, were adorable. She couldn't thank me enough, that I took the time from my evening to join her.
I love her book, It's All Good! It is true, the recipes are GREAT. It keeps me svelte and looking grand! Thank you Gwyneth!

Chris Martin of Coldplay, my favorite band of all time, (who in my opinion tops Pink Floyd) was there accompanying his wife. Not only is he super talented, he is a Gem! A wonderful guy. Note to self: reply to Chris's demands to join his band on his next tour! I have a fabulous voice. I can really belt out a tune and he knows it!

I'm dying to know what these two where so deep in conversation about... I'll have to make a few calls. Lisa Tamburini, photo credit.

I caught up with Chris when he was speaking with my fave author, Michael Paraskevas, who was there with his new children's book, Taffy Saltwater.
I love that book, but he realized the title should have been Lili Saltwater!
Michael's faux paw! He realizes it now and called to apologize in advance.

The most accomplished author, Kitty Kelley, was there with her new book, Capturing Camelot. This woman is a class act and gorgeous. Of course, I, Lili  am Numero UNO but kitty is close on my tail! She is so talented and I read all her books. My Grandfather absolutely loved her Sinatra book. Her next title, Lili Bruno of Lili -Land! Hint, hint Kitty.

I look just like Jacki... Call me Lili O.

At first her name, Kitty, was unnerving to me, but she reassured me there are no felines in her family tree! Meeko, my cat friend, was disappointed, but I am thrilled. Kitty Kelley, we love you and your books! Meow!

A bark out to Bill Evans from ABC's Eyewitness News. I love this man! He wrote a great book Category 7. Bill winks at me each morning on television. Oops, the secrets out. Yes he is a fan of Me and Derek and I love him!

I'm in love... oops... don't tell Derek.

All in all, it was a true Hampton's Literary evening. There were famous authors wall to wall, and of course, the most famous, yet to write a book, but soon will, ME, Lili!

Here are some photos of me and some of my favorite authors from that night.

I don't think Alec likes me. The photo was by Lisa Tamburini.

I finally met someone who knew Churchill, James C. Humes. What's that saying? Six degrees.

It's Dan and his lovely wife, Christine. I gotta get a hat like that.

Here's Kathryn Livingston with a book called Lily. I thought it was about me...maybe next time. 

Lidia Matticchio Bastianich... I hope I spelled that right.

I told Jay McInerney that his new book should be called, Bright Lights, Big Lili.

Dr. Ruth is almost as tall as me.

One of the best... Lisa Tamburini

Jeffory Lyons had his terrific book there, but Boston? I'm a Yankees fan. 

 Lawrence Schiller knew Marilyn? Now he knows me.

Alex Papachristidis looks so handsome in his pink jacket.

Stan "The Man" Goldberg is always fun to chat with. He's looking terrific.

Don't forget to read The Green Monkeys. Sometimes I make an appearance.

Biden and Beiber

A Lili Sparkling Hello to you!

It's me, Lili. Wow, did I ever have a barking busy weekend. Derek and I were out and about in sunny Southampton.

Just wanted to tell you about the so called star sightings in and around town.
The brightest star of course is ME! Me, me, me, Lili of Lililand. 

The poop-arazzi were following me around town. Derek and Meeko, our kitty-cat friend, were keeping them away from me. 

Derek and Meeko, shouted, "Please, give Lili her space, don't crowd her." They were dogging me. At one point, I felt faint. 

Then it happened. We were walking past a restaurant and there he was sitting at a table. Vice-President Biden was hanging out at 75 Main Street, the restaurant. I saw him there and he begged the poop-arazzi to snap a photo of me with him.

He pleaded with me. He was relentless in his effort to get a photo op with me, Lili. I am sure he realizes I am a pedigree and related to The Royal Family.
He has a toothy grin but it doesn't outshine my brilliant cover girl smile. The poops didn't need a flashbulb. My teeth glistened and lit up the room.

So they snapped the photo. The VEEP was all giggly. At one point he was applauding me and he clapped so loudly behind me, I almost jumped out of my fur! I felt like I was in the starring role of The Conjuring! Spooky!

Anyway, he invited me to the White House for a dinner in my honor, but I told him I have to check my schedule. He looked oh, so disappointed. His giggles turned to a frown. His eyes were welling up with tears. So I, realizing that everyone loves me, invited him to my estate at Lili-Land where we dined on Surf and Turf. We also hula danced.

The next day I was walking down Main Street to shop at Hildreth's. As I was strolling this big gangly goofy kid stepped on my tail. When I turned to snarl, he said, "Hey, hey... Lili Girl, it's me the Biebs."

Ugh I thought, Justin Bieber again. I asked if he was expecting rain because his pants were an odd length. He invited me for brunch at The Golden Pear, but I turned him down. He cried right there on Main Street.

I gave him a word of advice. I said, "Justin, when you come to the Hamptons, please use your words correctly, stop fighting and dress for success."

I, of course, always look my best as should he! 
He thanked me for the advice and then asked if I would reconsider going to brunch. I gave him a firm Paw in the air. He knew and I knew, it was a No!

He always begs me to make an appearance at his concert. He asked me again. I explained I would steal his thunder and he agreed . We kissed on both cheeks and I gave him a wag of the tail to suggest we are on good terms.

Derek and Meeko were exhausted just keeping the poop-arazzi away from my personal space. They asked, "Lili, how do you put up with this commotion on a daily basis?"

I turned and shouted, "All in a day, boys! All in a day!"

Then I turned to the poop-arazzi and struck a great pose!

RHONJ Day Dreaming in My Bubble Bath

Emergency alert!RHONJ

Hello, everyone! It's me, the fabulous Lili.

I went to Authors' Night last evening in Easthampton! I rubbed shoulders with all the authors and even some author-wannabees.

I will tell you all about in on Tuesday, because I am exhausted from all the dinner parties!

Anyway, Derek and I bought all sorts of Italian treats to watch the RHONJ.
We really get into to whole italian manga Italiano. We are serving pasta tonight! 

As I was soaking in my bubble bath this morning sipping my Lemon water, I was fantasizing about all the possibilities that could occur on tonight's episode.

Will little Joe Gorga finally see Melissa's wicked ways? Will he put a stripper pole in each room of the mansion? Will Joe-Joe and Theresa shop for stripper outfits? 
Will the Manzo's finally get a storyline? What will happen to Albie and Chris's restaurant? Will it ever open? 

Maybe they will work in Kim D's Posche store, selling shoes? They do have that shoe salesman look.

Will Lauren Manzo marry Joe Gorga if he divorces Melissa? Will little Melania start the family feud all over again?

I was weaving so many scenarios in my pretty little head my tail was spinning! I was dizzy! I said aloud, "Oh, Lili, snap out of it. Stop making these housewives problems your own!

I was done. I washed all there problems right out of my hair. I pulled the stopper and as the dirty water drained, i waved goodbye.

I was in a dilemma. At breakfast I told Derek my obsession about these people. He took my paw in his and calmed me.

He told me, "Don't get so involved. After all, they have Dr. V on board. I agreed.
We both stood quiet a moment enjoying our omelettes. At precisely the same time, we blurted out, "I wonder if Jacqueline will beat up Theresa?"

We both snickered and our tails wagged in delight of what was brewing on tonights episode!

We cannot stop spinning our stories about this group. It is too entertaining! Buckle up, tonights episode may be a bumpy ride!

Ciao!

RHONJ: Enemies - Frenemies Sizzling Sunday

RHONJ

Enemies / Frenemies Sizzling Sunday

Hello all! It's me Lili! Another visit to Franklin Lakes and good old Hoboken!

I, myself prefer Beverly Hills and Malibu of course but I am Lili of Lili-Land! I pronunciate and use my words correctly and I eat sushi!

Wow! Derek and I sat down last week nestled into our recliners and almost fell asleep! Everyone made nice nice with each other. It was so irritating . This reality is really make believe!

Where do I begin? It started off strangely. We actually see little Joe working with mud surrounding him! Is he going to have a wrestling match? Melissa arrives to drop off something and before we know it she is riding a bulldozer. Huh? What? Where are they going with this?

A big nowhere!

I wondered if Melissa was getting a facial? Mud does wonders for the skin! 
She was not. Her loss. I snickered. I really don't need a mud facial because I have an inner beauty that radiates through. I also have very good genes!

I'm slipping off... HELP.

Melissa really should get a mud facial. Just a suggestion. Anyway, Little Joe wanted to tell her that Sizzle Tan wanted her and Joe to pose on their bill board. Melissa gasped! She could not do that! Theresa already did the Sizzle Tan commercial. Melissa cannot be a copy cat.

I turned to Derek and said, "Since when?"
 
It was decided that Little Joe would go solo. Derek looked at me and said that I could have been the Sizzle Tan model. I gasped! I prefer to wear leather on my feet! Not on my face!

Anyway, Derek and I laughed about me starring in the billboard and little joe in the background. We had to entertain ourselves, the show was a boring barking bad time!

Fast forward to Melissa's Photo shoot for her book. In her squeaky voice, she whined like Meeko, our cat friend. Melissa ordered to put the fan on stronger.

Oh, I love this photo.  Melissa continued to gush about herself. I want to buy this book. Well... NO we dont! Derek and I laughed as we talked directly to screen. Ugh...I coughed up a fur ball and to my surprise Derek almost choked on his cookie.

Derek shouted out to Melissa, "It's not all about you, it's all about LILI!" Oh, Derek is so smart and always right on with his opinions.

FYI Melissa, you are not prettier than me! When I pose for a shoot, I look picture perfect without all the smoke and mirrors! 

There is a scene where Caroline, Melissa and Jacqueline are discussing Theresa. Melissa tells Jacqueline that she and Theresa made up. Jacqueline is ambivalent.

FYI Jacqueline, if you want to keep your contract, make up with Theresa!

There was a family dinner at Joe-Joe and Theresa's home with the Gorga's! 
One of the Giudice Girls asks her Mom while setting the table, "How many adults?"

Newsflash! None! Zero!

Feel the love? Not quite, it was like watching a pit bull and Rottweiler sharing the same bone with an armed guard watching them. There were undertones of resentment, hushed growls, but no biting.

It was sort of phony. The wine was flowing, but the meatballs were not flying. It was too sweet. Saccharin overload. I wanted action. They all giggled and talked very fake to each other. They were earning their salary on this show!

At dinner, little Joe breaks the news to Theresa about Sizzle Tan. Off camera Theresa points out she sizzled first. She was so bothered by it, you could have fried bacon on her.

But she is proud of her brother. Yes, okay Theresa. If you say so!

Joe Gorga suggested Joe Joe should do a meatball commercial. Now you're talking. I think they should all refrain from commercials. I am a star as Derek pointed out, not these meatballs!

The dinner fades out with the kid tap dancing. It breaks the tension, but she was a bit heavy on her feet, so she may have broken a few vases!
The boring dinner went on and on, and frankly, the show moved on to... as I refer to them... The Really Tiresome Bunch, The Manzo's! They are more potent than NyQuil.

Ooh, they finally got a storyline. Their conversations are like watching paint dry. You have Albie, who is the worry wart. I, Lili, never worry. I can't get wrinkles!
The parents who are strangers to each other... Chris and Lauren?... just two lumps.

They were discussing their work ethics and new restaurant. YAWN!

I remember their last venture with their uncle chris: Black Water. 
I saw a black water t shirt. Who drinks black water? I prefer sparkling and clear.
But this crew prefers polluted, just like the relationships on this realty nightmare.

Chris insults his brother telling us off camera that he wanted to be Albie all his life, but now being Albie is not that appealing. Ouch! I snarled, and gave the TV a paw toss. Silly boy, everyone wants to be me, Lili. Not any of you!

Derek assured me this was true. They move on to the Family Manzo drama that frankly made me curl up in the chair. Get a story line people, Please!

Fast forward to toy store. CJ and Jacqueline. Let me set up the scene.
Phone rings and Jacqueline answers on speaker phone? Ooh, LOUD! My ears!
Who in public uses speaker phone?

This couch is comfy. I will give them that.

It was her nemesis Theresa! Everyone has one. (Does Peeples ring a bark?)
Off camera Jacqueline refers to herself as a Theresa puppet. But she doesn't want any negative feelings, so she agrees to string herself up and face her frenemy.

They decide to try to bury the hatchet. Yes, in each others backs! The Giudices and the Lauritas meet at a big restaurant. The men sit and smoke cigars. Who smokes anymore? They hash it out. They laugh about their wives.

Joe, Joe and Chris both agreed the beef they had, not the meatballs, but the argument, was water under the bridge. Not Black Water under the bridge...just plain old troubled water.

Do they have bridges in jail? Keep us posted Joe-Joe.
Cut to the scene where Jacqueline and Theresa have a pow-wow in a huge banquet room alone. Thank you Bravo!

What's for dinner. I'm starving.

They talk. Theresa holds her ground and talks about Jaquelines twitter rampage.
She calls Jacqueline an Evil Person! Is this the Housewives or the Conjuring? I was scared! I was expecting flickering lights and a hand clap.

They threw Rosie a bone with a storyline,

but I fell asleep so I will skip that part. 
All in all Derek and I were engrossed in the housewives and when we saw little Joe's sizzle tan shoot we were a bit grossed out.

I hope this stuff washes off.

Was that olive oil on his body? Little Joe you are baked, done!
Stick to your day job. The only one grabbing the spot light is this gal right here! Me, Lili!

So tune in on Sunday to see what happens next on RHONJ .
Derek and I are looking forward to watching!

Salute!

Down in the MUD with ME. A LiliLand Movie Review

Mud! EEEEK, the horror. Not the movie. Just the thought of all that MUD. 

A rare poster that seems to have not been used.

Hi, it's me, Lili! I am writing to you from my bubble bath! Last night, Derek and I I watched the much anticipated movie MUD on demand. 

Of course, I am always pristine clean, so watching MUD made me feel a bit dirty. I could not understand how Matthew Macaughney was so filthy when he was surrounded by so much water!

It is a coming of age story about two young boys who befriend a cookala fugitive running from the law! It is a love story... in an offbeat sort of way. 

The two boys help the fugitive to reunite with his one true love, Reese Witherspoon. They all swooned over her. I shook my head in disbelief! I look a million times better than her!  

Have a bath.

Of course they didn't call me for the part because I always look my best! Sorry Reese! One of the young boys, Ellis, looks for an example of true love he can believe in. He realizes the effects of heartbreak. Heavy duty stuff! 

In the end, when you hose MUD off, you see a character, that under all the dirt and craziness, with a heart. He's a loyal friend.Through Mud, I cried, I itched, and I applauded! I liked him! I really liked him! 

Through the whole movie, you will see, I had a hankering for baked beans! I know, I know, Derek was in disbelief. I, Lili do not eat baked beans, let alone request them. And the HORROR... out of a can. I would like mine on a silver platter. Derek, the love that he is, made a midnight run and placed mine on a very nice 18th century charger.

Please see Mud, you will enjoy it! Matthew, please groom yourself! A bubble bath does wonders! Skip the beans, you will thank me!

Look at me... not up there. I'm right here.

Who smokes, anymore?

Me on Dan's Paper

It's me...me...ME on the cover of Dan's Paper. I will sign autographs on request.

See... that's ME... on the cover. Along with my two friends, Spider and Flytrap... and Baby. Can't forget Baby. He doesn't have a name. Everyone just calls him Baby. Kinda strange don't you think? Oh, well. 

Have a sparkling day.

Here is the cover a little bigger.