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Saturday, August 10, 2013

RHONJ: Enemies - Frenemies Sizzling Sunday

RHONJ

Enemies / Frenemies Sizzling Sunday

Hello all! It's me Lili! Another visit to Franklin Lakes and good old Hoboken!

I, myself prefer Beverly Hills and Malibu of course but I am Lili of Lili-Land! I pronunciate and use my words correctly and I eat sushi!

Wow! Derek and I sat down last week nestled into our recliners and almost fell asleep! Everyone made nice nice with each other. It was so irritating . This reality is really make believe!

Where do I begin? It started off strangely. We actually see little Joe working with mud surrounding him! Is he going to have a wrestling match? Melissa arrives to drop off something and before we know it she is riding a bulldozer. Huh? What? Where are they going with this?

A big nowhere!

I wondered if Melissa was getting a facial? Mud does wonders for the skin! 
She was not. Her loss. I snickered. I really don't need a mud facial because I have an inner beauty that radiates through. I also have very good genes!



I'm slipping off... HELP.

Melissa really should get a mud facial. Just a suggestion. Anyway, Little Joe wanted to tell her that Sizzle Tan wanted her and Joe to pose on their bill board. Melissa gasped! She could not do that! Theresa already did the Sizzle Tan commercial. Melissa cannot be a copy cat.

I turned to Derek and said, "Since when?"
 
It was decided that Little Joe would go solo. Derek looked at me and said that I could have been the Sizzle Tan model. I gasped! I prefer to wear leather on my feet! Not on my face!

Anyway, Derek and I laughed about me starring in the billboard and little joe in the background. We had to entertain ourselves, the show was a boring barking bad time!

Fast forward to Melissa's Photo shoot for her book. In her squeaky voice, she whined like Meeko, our cat friend. Melissa ordered to put the fan on stronger.

Oh, I love this photo.  Melissa continued to gush about herself. I want to buy this book. Well... NO we dont! Derek and I laughed as we talked directly to screen. Ugh...I coughed up a fur ball and to my surprise Derek almost choked on his cookie.

Derek shouted out to Melissa, "It's not all about you, it's all about LILI!" Oh, Derek is so smart and always right on with his opinions.

FYI Melissa, you are not prettier than me! When I pose for a shoot, I look picture perfect without all the smoke and mirrors! 

There is a scene where Caroline, Melissa and Jacqueline are discussing Theresa. Melissa tells Jacqueline that she and Theresa made up. Jacqueline is ambivalent.

FYI Jacqueline, if you want to keep your contract, make up with Theresa!

There was a family dinner at Joe-Joe and Theresa's home with the Gorga's! 
One of the Giudice Girls asks her Mom while setting the table, "How many adults?"

Newsflash! None! Zero!

Feel the love? Not quite, it was like watching a pit bull and Rottweiler sharing the same bone with an armed guard watching them. There were undertones of resentment, hushed growls, but no biting.

It was sort of phony. The wine was flowing, but the meatballs were not flying. It was too sweet. Saccharin overload. I wanted action. They all giggled and talked very fake to each other. They were earning their salary on this show!

At dinner, little Joe breaks the news to Theresa about Sizzle Tan. Off camera Theresa points out she sizzled first. She was so bothered by it, you could have fried bacon on her.

But she is proud of her brother. Yes, okay Theresa. If you say so!

Joe Gorga suggested Joe Joe should do a meatball commercial. Now you're talking. I think they should all refrain from commercials. I am a star as Derek pointed out, not these meatballs!

The dinner fades out with the kid tap dancing. It breaks the tension, but she was a bit heavy on her feet, so she may have broken a few vases!
The boring dinner went on and on, and frankly, the show moved on to... as I refer to them... The Really Tiresome Bunch, The Manzo's! They are more potent than NyQuil.



Ooh, they finally got a storyline. Their conversations are like watching paint dry. You have Albie, who is the worry wart. I, Lili, never worry. I can't get wrinkles!
The parents who are strangers to each other... Chris and Lauren?... just two lumps.

They were discussing their work ethics and new restaurant. YAWN!

I remember their last venture with their uncle chris: Black Water. 
I saw a black water t shirt. Who drinks black water? I prefer sparkling and clear.
But this crew prefers polluted, just like the relationships on this realty nightmare.

Chris insults his brother telling us off camera that he wanted to be Albie all his life, but now being Albie is not that appealing. Ouch! I snarled, and gave the TV a paw toss. Silly boy, everyone wants to be me, Lili. Not any of you!

Derek assured me this was true. They move on to the Family Manzo drama that frankly made me curl up in the chair. Get a story line people, Please!

Fast forward to toy store. CJ and Jacqueline. Let me set up the scene.
Phone rings and Jacqueline answers on speaker phone? Ooh, LOUD! My ears!
Who in public uses speaker phone?


This couch is comfy. I will give them that.


It was her nemesis Theresa! Everyone has one. (Does Peeples ring a bark?)
Off camera Jacqueline refers to herself as a Theresa puppet. But she doesn't want any negative feelings, so she agrees to string herself up and face her frenemy.

They decide to try to bury the hatchet. Yes, in each others backs! The Giudices and the Lauritas meet at a big restaurant. The men sit and smoke cigars. Who smokes anymore? They hash it out. They laugh about their wives.

Joe, Joe and Chris both agreed the beef they had, not the meatballs, but the argument, was water under the bridge. Not Black Water under the bridge...just plain old troubled water.

Do they have bridges in jail? Keep us posted Joe-Joe.
Cut to the scene where Jacqueline and Theresa have a pow-wow in a huge banquet room alone. Thank you Bravo!


What's for dinner. I'm starving.


They talk. Theresa holds her ground and talks about Jaquelines twitter rampage.
She calls Jacqueline an Evil Person! Is this the Housewives or the Conjuring? I was scared! I was expecting flickering lights and a hand clap.

They threw Rosie a bone with a storyline,

but I fell asleep so I will skip that part. 
All in all Derek and I were engrossed in the housewives and when we saw little Joe's sizzle tan shoot we were a bit grossed out.


I hope this stuff washes off.

Was that olive oil on his body? Little Joe you are baked, done!
Stick to your day job. The only one grabbing the spot light is this gal right here! Me, Lili!

So tune in on Sunday to see what happens next on RHONJ .
Derek and I are looking forward to watching!

Salute!

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