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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Bachelorette: An Amazing Journey on Life's Amazingly Amazing Road to Amazement.


The BacheloretteWho is crying now?


Woooooo, wooooweeee! The twists and turns as this operatic melodrama continued kept me and my BFF Derek on the edge of our tails. At one point, I urged Derek to get the mop. All that crying Des was doing could break through the tv screen.  I was not going to have my oriental rug ruined!

Armed with our mop and bucket, we settled in to watch Chris Harrison speak to Des in his tone that mimics, excuse me, an undertaker.

Des cried she just wanted to go home. I spoke directly to the TV, "Oh come on Des, really? Really?" It was such a surprise Brooks left? You have edited out takes and bloopers! You knew!

Please, "GO HOME," I thought. I'm much prettier than you. I could have been the Bachelorette.




I sat there engrossed anyway. Chris Harrison assured Des that this was just a turn in the road. I was flabbergasted. This was no turn, Chris. It was more like a skid mark due to "Brooks" failure.

At this point, I was beginning to suspect I was being manipulated by the producers, BUT still intrigued. I was not going to turn off my television and get a paw massage. I was glued and invested for the next three hours.

I almost coughed up my treat when Des said although her heart is broken, her spirit is not, because it is not fair to the other guys?

Huh?

Marriage is a tough row to hoe. Maybe she can marry both, six months and six months. CATS do it all the time!

Derek turned to me and said Des was a good actress. Of course, she is not better than me. I am the best. Silly Derek.

Des spoke directly to us and said she has two amazing guys left but she had no clue what to do.

Oh, yes you do! Stick with the show. A hosting job on Extra may come out of it!
Of course, after they call me first and you receive my throw aways.
The show continued live in-between with the audience applauding loudly. Derek, turn up the volume. I think they might be applauding for me, me, me!

Derek was clapping. It was an emotional roller coaster of nerve racking torment. I was chewing my paws. I ruined my Pawicure.

Then it happened, Bachelor Nation weighed in. They were the psychologists wannabes. All the toss-offs from past episodes.
They teased us and tortured us. Will Brooks come back? Will Des be alone?

Des felt compelled to cry some more and explain to the two laps-puppies that remained, about Brooks. They obediently stood there wagging their tails.
I growled, silly girl, Go home! Do not pass Go! Do not collect $200.
But she continued....

Chris meets the two remaining ken dolls and announces Brooks is gone. What?!? 
Did he die? Long stares...

Des starts, through tears of course, that Brooks left and the two of you are the leftovers.

I, Lili, was amazed she would tell them. I yelled at the screen, "Des, oh, shut up!!! Stop talking. Put the barking brake on! Yes! Yes! Don't roll down the hill! Crying, Brooks, Brooks, Brooks, Enough!

These guys should run like that little white mouse in the movie said, "Run! Run like the wind!" But no,the two remained. Of course they did. They want a gig from the show too!

Fast forward. Des dumped Drew before the date even started. It was so awkward I wanted to crawl under the couch. She told him how amazing he was, but... Bye-bye. She was crying, keep crying. It makes better television. Drew was devastated. He tried to cry, but he was dry eyed. 

Memo to Drew: onions! He said the politically correct thank you for being honest, but he was thinking, LoserHe held her hand, but if I were him I would have crushed it!

Drew was crushed. I turned to Derek and said, "He doesn't care. It's not like I, Lili broke his heart. When he gets his paycheck for the show that will put Humpty Dumpty back together again." We both snickered.

Honesty, I love pink, but I think those pink shorts did Drew in!



You will be okay, go home and make a Rainbow Loom Bracelet!

The show continues. Rebound that basketball Des. She sunk it! 
She realizes she loves Chris! After all the drama, she always loved Chris.
At that point I, ashamed to say, I barked.

If Chris believes this after all the Brooks drama, he is really desperate.

So Chris met the family. Des's brother grilled Chris into an over cooked filet mignon. Her parents smiled and wanted to unload her.

Chris picked out the big rock, compliments of the bachelor, and got on one knee and proposed and the short of it, they live happily ever after. Let the tabloid and gossip magazines stories begin! Buckle up! This is the best part.

I just want to add, the producers should have called me. I am much prettier and I wear high heels and look great in a bikini!

I wanted to kick Chris into reality but I realized this is what reality television is all about!

Have a sparkling day.

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