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Thursday, August 15, 2013

RHONJ Mendin' fences with Joisey Royalty


Hi fellow NJ Houzewives followerz! It is me, Lili

Yes, it is truly me. I was using my Joisey accent. Wow, what a difference a show makes. Let's toss a bone around and discuss the happenings last Sunday. Oh, I realize I am late with this particular blog, but I was rubbing paws with Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin in Easthampton over the weekend. I have been busier than a bee in a Winnie-the-Pooh story book. Let me tell you, Gwyneth got stung! (See my blog about Authors Night)

Authors Night in Easthampton. Eat your heart out Teresa.
Where do I begin to tell this story of the greatest makeup in TV Land? Well, to start with, the show opens with the dramatic highlights of the previous episode.

Derek and I shouted at the screen, "Ugh! Move along, nothing to see here. Boring! We snickered. Meeko shushed us. Being a cat, he is very uptight at times. We settled in our recliners and snacked on treats imported from Italy to create the mood of an Italian household.

To get to the jist of it... Teresa and Jacqueline made peace at the restaurant pow-wow, but I am sure in the future their husbands will have to pry the knives out of their backs. 


I turned to Derek and Meeko and whispered, "Phony, phony, phony." I gave the old Lili paw toss. I give it three episodes and they will be barking at each other. They agreed of course, because I, being Lili, am always right.

They skip to Jacqueline and Kathy Wakile shopping together. Every time I hear the name Wakile, I want to wear a Lei and Hula Dance with my grass skirt on! It is so Hawaiian sounding... Wakile, Wakile! Derek and Meeko LOL.

We were entertaining ourselves watching this show!

Jacqueline being Jacqueline reveals she wants to have a tummy tuck and her neck tightened. Ouch! TMI. Do we have to know this? Derek and Meeko assured me that I, Lili am perfect! I have a great figure and this Gals neck doesn't have any chickens hanging from it!

Note to Jacqueline: What are you thinking? Love yourself for you! I, Lili, love myself, and so does everyone else! 

I almost tossed my treats when they showed Jacqueline's stomach skin sitting on the table. Ugh, was that necessary Bravo? Bad enough we had to witness it on her! Meeko was eyeballing it like all cats would but I quickly growled at him and he composed himself.

Tooooooo Much INFORMATION.
Jacqueline also had on makeup during the procedure. This is not reality! I was barking annoyed and I drafted a letter to Bravo. You don't wear makeup in the operating room. I go au natural all the time and I am smashingly Lili-gorgeous!

Honestly, Jacqueline's behavior, even the night before surgery, was ridiculous. The drinking and acting out really made her parents uncomfortable. Even her daughter Ashley seemed mortified. Wake up Jacqueline. It's not all about you, it's about me, Lili. And just me, I mean really!

Moving along, lets not give Jacqueline anymore attention.

Uncle Joe took Gia, his niece and goddaughter on a go-karting date. Gia, along with her friends, who are barely 13 years old were primping in the mirror, globbing on tons of makeup. It looked as if they needed a tractor trailer to truck it all into New Jersey! What child at that age wears all that make up? Those girls had so much goop on, if they smiled their faces will crack.

When Meeko heard me go on about this, he gave me a loud MEOW!

How dare he! 

I growled and Derek backed me up. I, Lili just feel kids should be kids! Meeko hissed and I gave him a nasty thump of my tail and he hid under the sofa for the part of the show.

Well, we coaxed Meeko out with a dish of Fancy Feast. He was purring in no time.

We all made nice and stood glued to the set. Gia and Uncle Joe went go-karting and little Joe being the juvenile just had to win. He really has issues. They hashed out the family drama and Gia gave it to him straight on a platter holding lasagna. 

A big old heaping portion of reality check.

She cut through the layers of all the drama-loo of this family feud. The kid can see the writing on the wall, even through the heavy eye makeup. Gia, bravo to you (no pun intended), you have more sense than your Uncle Joe!

I could have done without the flashbacks. Gia singing? That poor girl is going to get taunted at school! Bad enough we had to endure Melissa's On Display song!

Of course, I, Lili, have a Lili-fabulous voice, but you don't see me belting out my songs. Well, not yet!

They show Joe Gorga in an outtake revealing he is embarrassed of himself. I had thoughts of my friend, Peeples, the poodle's expression, when she had an accident on my oriental rug. Not pretty! Nor are you Joe Gorga! You should be embarrassed. Not only of your behavior but of your sizzle tan billboard. Eek!

Then we are back to the boring Manzo's. They discuss their BLK Water. Yuck! Did you hear... people prefer sparkling and clear? I guess not! Their Uncle Chris expresses his concerns that Chris and Albie are not invested enough in the product. He wants them to marry it! Umm .. Okay.

They go on and on about it. Frankly the three of us dozed off. I have to admit, they are a tad boring.

We woke up with Chris telling his Uncle that BLK is their main B word?
I turned to Derek and gasped, "Do they have a female D-O-G?" We were lost as was Meeko.

The group goes to a Zumba fund raiser and make nice. Jacqueline and Teresa share a hug. All very phony!

And a one, two... cha-cha-cha.
The Manzo's throw a going away party for Greg Bennett. He is leaving to go live in San Francisco, where he and Tony Bennett apparently left their hearts.

Bye-bye and good riddance. Give me a high Paw-Five. Cry baby.

Caroline was crying. We couldn't figure that out. Albie looked like he was down and out. I thought he was going to burst into tears. Derek turned to me and said, "Go figure."

The whole scene confused me. Who cares if he leaves. He didnt even have a storyline. He was a Manzo groupie.

All in all, I must say, let the feud rise from the ashes because this is getting old folks!

Maybe bravo should have a new show: The Lovely Lili-icious Life of Lili of Lililand!

Derek and I snickered and so did Meeko. We gave each other a High Paw-Five at my suggestion.

Just putting it out there!

Stay tuned for next week's update on RHONJ!!!

Don't forget to read The Green Monkeys everyday.

Sent from my iPad

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